Thursday, 11 April 2013

Moments In Time: A birthday


It's the 11th of april again (or at least for the next hour or so). For those of you who don't personally know me, the 11th of april is that one day where I anticipate little to nothing when what I should be expecting is a surprise or a celebration. That annual 24-hour span of time where, for the past 7 years or so, nothing much ever happens. I would always question my self-worth and ask myself whether it was my fault for not being open enough with others or lovable enough or popular enough or good-looking enough or talented enough or funny enough for people to actually consider acknowledging my birthday. 

After awhile, I began to hate the 11th of april. It regularly reminds me of how much(or how little) people actually bother. Eventually, it grew into a habit that would affect the way I perceived the birthdays of friends and loved ones alike. When people who are dear to me inform me of their impending birthdays or the birthdays of others, I would simply respond without giving a single Fcuk. The reason is simple: I hate my own birthday. Why should I bother about anybody else's. 

trust me, the shock dies down after a couple of disappointing years. 

Most people use birthdays as a gauge to test how much they mean/matter to their friends or loved ones (and in most cases, their crushes or eye-candies).  In my world, people desperately want others to buy us gifts or publicly display their affection in garish/obscene ways. It's really disappointing to know that people actually have expectations of their own birthdays. Some of my friends get pissed off when people get them presents but not a cake. Some(A LOT OF PEOPLE) don't like it when they have less friends celebrating their birthday as compared to another person from their clique. Most of us just want to feel like we mean something to someone else, so much so that that person would try his/her best to make our special day an enjoyable one. 

But here's the funny thing about birthdays.

People can surprise us. I'm the kind of person who believes that human beings can only change 20% of who they are. I strongly believe that people are too selfish to change for others but will allow a small part of them to alter if it meant that the people they are changing for stays in their life. 20% isn't a lot but its enough to build a tolerance level. We eventually learn to live with each other's shortcomings . We compromise so that the people around us can feel comfortable and at ease. We change ourselves for their convenience in more ways than one. I began to try and change more than 20% of myself so that people might notice me more, hopefully enough that they might care. 

My mindset was as such up until today. 

I got home on the 10th of april around 11.45pm .After relentlessly groping the insides of my bag for the key to my gate, I opened the main door and made my way towards the living room. There, I discovered an elaborately laid out formation of 11 balloons that were individually numbered off. Behind the formation were my family members whom were standing in a line. I had never been so overwhelmed with happiness in my entire life. Some people think this is normal; To have their family members take time out of their schedule to plan something for them. It isn't for me, It never was. I didn't know how to react. All I could do was giggle and laugh as one family member after another came to embrace me with presents in hands. That feeling of love. It was ,and still is, indescribable. 

To receive something from family is common. To receive something from people you aren't blood related to is another issue altogether. Everybody has their own expectations of how their friends should celebrate their birthdays. Some want their friends to cancel all their plans and spend the entire day with them. Others simply insist on getting presents. I'm the type that expects a simple "happy birthday" and nothing more. I don't want my friends to buy or get me stuff ,much less invest effort into making anything special happen. Infact, I tell them in advance that I don't want anything big. A simple wish is well worth the effort. Anything more and I won't know what to do with myself. 

Getting a phone call from my friends at 12.00 in the morning is something I've always wanted. It really moved me when my friends did that . Simple things like saying "happy birthday" to me(or to anybody during their birthday) means the world of a difference. It means I have people who care about me and thats all I will ever need .When I came to the realisation that my theatre CCA+my best friends organized an elaborate surprise for me, I wanted to cry. I felt the need to express how grateful I was but couldn't find the right words so there was A LOT of screaming involved .I almost feel worried about whether they knew how much I appreciated them. There was this moment when they brought the cake out that I felt scared. Scared that all this wasn't real. Scared that all this isn't going to last and that there's gonna be something horrible that will disrupt my perfect moment. To complete the day, I received a handwritten letter from a friend of whom I know I will cherish and keep for the rest of my life. Birthdays are not days where you expect things for yourself. It's a day where you sit down and observe how much of a difference you have made in the lives of people around you. There was this wonderful quote my dear friend (who regularly pulls out nonsense from his arse) told me earlier on while we were having lunch that goes something like this,

"Today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be again" 

He claimed to have spotted that on a T-shirt. Now thats some Deep stuff. 

Pessimistic thinking is something I've grown accustomed to but I realise now that people can change. People can surprise you when you least expect them to. People show you that they can go above and beyond anything you put them through.  People express their emotions for you in ways that will be sure to make you cry and above all, people will find new ways to show you they care. I can talk about clothes or runway collections all day long in great detail but when it comes to this, I am at a loss for words. Nothing I do will ever be good enough to repay you guys for that beautiful gesture of love. Please Know that I appreciate every single one of you who wished me and that nothing means more to me than you guys! 

And so, with the passing of april the 11th, I grew to love my birthday a little more thanks to my family and friends. For now, All I can say is thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. 

BTW,  I'm sorry for the incredibly long haitus Dreamofdior took. We at DoD are really busy with other external projects like practicing for an upcoming THEATRE PERFORMANCE CALLED "INSIDE OUT PART 2" that will be showing in Singapore Poly on the 19th and 20th of april. For those regular DoD readers who want to show your appreciation for Dreamofdior, feel free to drop by on one of the show days and watch your's truly perform and act !!!  Click this Link for more info OKAY ???  ALSO, WATCH THIS SPACE BECAUSE DoD IS GONNA POST UP A LOT MORE UPDATES in the near future. To all my readers, thank you for sticking with me and reading all my random banter! I appreciate you more than you know!

 Hugs and Kisses
-Sam for Dreamofdior

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